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MandaLou421
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Name: Amanda
Location: Atlanta, Georgia, United States
Birthday: 4/27/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: I love the little things in life.. like finding money in my pocket.. looking at the stars.. watching the dawgs.. hughsdays.. belting out songs to the radio with the windows down while im driving.. spending time with people i care about.. and sitting in front of the fire when its cold outside.
Expertise: Right now, Im not an expert at anything. But one day, I hope to find out who I am, and then become that person. I want to be an expert at showing love, dealing with pain, and knowing truth. Credit goes to colorfilter at LiveJournal for my the background pattern on my layout.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Stop TheWorld2
Member Since:
8/14/2005
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| Sometimes I hate myself. Like right now, for instance. | | |
|  Wow, I've really neglected this thing. Rikki kind of inspired me to write in it though. I almost forgot that it was here, until I started reading her entires. And then I remembered how much I used to love this thing. And I know that pretty much everyone else has moved on to Myspace and Facebook, and everything. But that's kind of fortunate, because now I can just write whatever I want I guess.
I've grown up a lot since my last entry, I think. But it's taken me a while to get here. I dunno, for the last few months, I feel like I've been living in an alternate universe. It's like. . . I don't even remember what my life was like this summer. More than that, I was in a bad place for a while, and I don't know how I ever let it get that way. That wasn't me. I have no idea what I was doing. I'm still trying to get a hold on how fast my life is going now, but I'm so glad that I'm here. The world is still spinning like crazy, and I'm still just trying to slow it down for a moment, but I'm completely enjoying the ride. The best thing that's happened so far this semester is my relationship with God. For a while, I stopped trusting God, and communicating with Him, and maybe that's why I was so depressed. But I've finally realized how much I really need Him. I mean, sure. . . my morals and everything were always there, but that's not all there is. And I know that. . . and I'm so glad that I'm starting to take some positive steps in that direction once again. I really let my faith slip away from me over the past year. I'm still working on gaining it back, but these things take time, and I'm ready to commit. We've started having a Bible study at our house, and it was such a God thing. So many circumstances led us to do this, and it was so amazing how it happened. So yeah. Wow.
I've also lost all the weight I gained last year. I'm still working on losing more, because I can, but I feel so much better physcially than I did before. I feel more attractive. But I still feel ugly. My acne is worse than ever, and I don't know how to fix it. I know that's a shallow thing to say, but it plays a lot on my self esteem. And I haven't been in a relationship with a guy for like two years. And I'm kind of itching to start something with someone. The only problem with that is that I'm shy and I don't chase. And more than that, it's hard to meet guys my age who aren't interested in just having sex with me. I want to meet someone who is also a Christian. . . someone who can help me grow in my faith, and who I can also help in some way. It's really important to me that I meet a boy who is open minded and who really wants to spend time getting to know me. I've been getting better with opening myself up to people, and I'd really like to try that with a boyfriend. But I'm kind of feeling like that person doesn't exist. I know I have time, but I just miss having a guy around to hang out with, and share with, and grow with. All of my friends used to be guys, but now it seems like I'm surrounded by girls. That's fine, but I relate better to guys, and I miss having a guy to joke around with who will wrap me up in his arms. That sounds really cheesy, doesn't it? Oh well, it's true. And I'll say what I want, lol.
Anyways, wow this is long. So I guess I'll leave this how it is. If you read, leave a comment. I'm just curious to see who is still around on here. I feel a lot better after typing all of that. I might come back here more often. I kinda missed this. I need to learn to breathe more. It kind of helps slow things down.
Forget about what's happened, don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? -Isaiah 43:18-19 | | |
|  So I'm back from Longboat Key. Not too much to say about it. It was gorgeous as always, and very relaxing. Kind of boring, but what can ya do? The huge amounts of downtime were actually a blessing in disguise, though. Sometimes it's hard to gain perspective when you're in the middle of everything. But being away and having room to breathe was good for me. I realized a lot of things about what I want and where I'm headed. Things don't happen unless you make them happen. That sounds obvious, but it's kind of a hard concept for me. It's easy to dream, but it's really hard to turn those dreams into reality. I realized that everything I want is obtainable, but it's up to me to get what I want. It won't just fall into my lap. I recognized the fact that I've been headed in a bad direction. But now I'm going to fix that.
I'm starting Weight Watchers again tomorrow. I'm actually excited. I'm also going to change my hair.
I've always wanted to go on one of those Christmas break trips with all my extended family. You know, the kind where you go to some huge lodge/resort in the mountains and go skiing and stuff. I don't know why. It just sounds like a blast. | | |
|  So my parents think I'm depressed. I denied it because I'm not a nutcase, and I don't think I need to be constantly medicated.
But I think they might be right. And it's scary. I'm sick a lot. I never feel good anymore. And even if I sleep 12 hours, I'm still insanely tired. I don't know if I should just ignore it and stay in denial, or actually talk about it.
I also had my first emotional/mental breakdown the other night. It was interesting. I'm still recovering from it. I even had to call in sick to work. It was embarrassing and I still feel guilty about it. Needless to say, I'm ready for summer to be over. I was ready for summer to be over one week after it started. I want to go back to school, and the heat is killing me.
It's actually hurting me to type all of this out. But it's for me, because I know that I'm the only one who reads it anymore.
I get my car back tomorrow, though, so that's exciting.
I need some real friends. Like the kind you really hang on to. All I have are regular people I see a lot and laugh with and stuff. With the exception of Jason, who is awesome.
Anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't know myself. I can't figure out why I do the things I do. Actually, I feel like I'm just sliding down this neverending slope right now. I need a foothold and a rope.
I'm letting life pass me by. | | |
|  Plans change. People change. Things never present themselves in reality the way you imagined they would. It's how you choose to accept these changes that define you. When life changes, will you lie down and surrender? Will you ignore it? Or will you take it in stride? | | |
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